Baby #6 / Angel Baby #2

In early May we found out we were having another baby. We couldn't keep the secret for very long. We told our family and our close friends.

We were all very excited. At my first appointment, we found out I was already 7 weeks along. I thought I was only 3 or 4 weeks. With our first miscarriage, the doctors found that I have a progesterone deficiency. So until the first trimester is over, I take 2 progesterone pills a day and we're good. Until now... So that's a reason why this is still eating at me. Why now?

My doctor told us baby #6 was due January 12th. I was really pumped about this because January 12th is my grandpa's birthday. After a few weeks we announced it at church on Sunday with this picture.

Things were going really well. I was tired, but that wasn't our of the ordinary. I'm always tired. Derek and I led a teen missions trip to McAllen, TX June 22 - 29 (yes, pictures are coming soon).

And that week when we got back is when things changed. I'll spare my readers that details, but Thursday afternoon I lost our baby. It happened really quick. Thursday morning, I noticed things so I called my doctor and was put on "couch rest" to see if it made things better. Derek was amazing. I'm not sure how, except for God's strength, that he was able to keep doing what he was doing. Because I had been on "couch rest", he had come home from the church to do housework, handle the girls and cook meals. Right in the midst of him cooking supper is when it happened. He was with me in the beginning and had to keep telling the girls that I wasn't feeling well to keep them out of the bathroom. He held me. I cried. A LOT. And he went back out there - cooking supper and being a great dad. He'd come in to check on me, then go back out and cook some more. I called my mom. Which was very hard to do. She said she wished she could be there with me. And it felt like she was. She was with me on the phone at the exact time. Madelyn. Sweet Madelyn. Gathered the other girls together in the living room and prayed for me. Derek said that was the one time he almost lost it. He put himself together, he said, in time to get a picture of them right at the end of the prayer. Madelyn caught him and say "hey!".

I called my doctor's office (on call) and my doctor called me back. I'm not sure if she WAS on call or if because of the circumstances they just called her. Anyway, it was a wonderful to know that I was talking with a doctor who knew me, my husband and our family in this time. She was so sweet and caring on the phone. It was up to us, she said, if we wanted to go to the hospital that night or wait until the morning and go see her. Because we already had someone in mind to watch the girls that night, I decided I just wanted to get it over with and do the ER. A friend from church and her teenage daughter, both whom our girls adore, came. We hadn't told the girls yet, just that I wasn't feeling well and needed to go to the hospital. Not until a few days later did Derek tell me something that just tore me up. When I was getting ready to leave for the hospital, Adriauna (who does not do well with us leaving abruptly and unexpectantly) asked Derek if I was going to the hospital to have the baby. Sweet, sensitive, perceptive Adriauna. They knew something was wrong, they just didn't know what. We did our thing at the hospital. The staff was very caring and sypmathetic. God put the right nurses & staff in our path. My ER nurse had had a miscarriage, my ultrasound tech had had a miscarriage and I'm pretty sure by some of the things my NP had said, so had she. Derek called our Dighton surrogate dad, RD and he came to the hospital after he got off work. He's such a blessing and a comfort to have around in these time -- and the good. He stayed until my ultrasound and even offered to go get us supper. I couldn't have anything, nor was I hungry and Derek wasn't either. Things went along and the nurses and staff saw to what they needed to. In a way, I'm glad I knew what I was in for at the ER. I knew what the nurses and staff would need to do, but I'm not ever wishing this upon myself again. We went home, told the girls that the baby wasn't in my stomach anymore and that it was with Jesus. They had SO MANY questions, especially for 11pm at night. We talked about how this baby is with Jesus now and our first Angel Baby. We talked about how we didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl. They asked if we were going to have another baby. They asked why the baby died. As a family, we had a slumber party in the living room that night. Derek and our early risers when into town the next morning to get some groceries, while the sleepy heads and I slept til 10:30! Seeing that it was July 4th weekend and we had big plans for the weekend, we kept most of them. I wasn't in any pain and hadn't been since we left the hospital. So that night we went to a surrogate family celebration and watched the fireworks.

And the next day, Saturday the 4th, we were in a parade with that family, then headed to their house for lunch.

It was good to get out of the house, but after the late night and the parade, I was thankful to be resting at home. We just wanted to keep a sense of normalcy for the girls and not have to make them miss out on the fun stuff. Plus, it was good for me to get out of the house and take my mind off the baby for a while. People ask how I'm doing. People ask is this not as painful as the first I think because we already have kids and because we've already gone through one. I can't say... because a lost baby still hurts. It just hurts in different ways. I still haven't had a big cry fest breakdown like I thought I would. People ask if it's just because of God's peace. Yes and no. Things have been so busy lately that I really haven't had time to think about it. Which is a good thing too. With our first miscarriage, my boss told me she didn't want to see me for 2 weeks. But I didn't have anything else to do, so I sat at home and cried and slept for those two weeks. At least that's what it seemed like. It's also different this time, because yes, we do already have 4 beautiful, wonderful gifts from God.

But at the same time, those 4 girls asked so many questions. We used the baby's due date as a timeline. "After Christmas, but before Brooklynn's birthday." So when we talk about events happening in the future, they'll forget and ask "Is that before or after the baby?" Or they'll ask if I have another baby in my belly yet. They'll say they wish they baby hadn't died. They'll ask if the baby was a boy or girl. They'll say they want another sister. Crazy on that one, right! :) So on one side, it's been a little easier because I've been so busy. I haven't even taken the time to journal about it until now. But I have these curious little girls who desperately want answers. So do I. But I know I probably won't get them, at least not on this Earth. I get this mental picture in my head of our two little Angel Babies meeting. Playing. Running. Spending time with my Angel Baby cousin Emily. Being rocked by my Great-Grandmothers. Playing frisbee with Derek's grandpa Ray. Talking about tractors with my Great- Grandpa's. My mom is just a little convinced that our Angel Babies are boys. Wouldn't that be something. If we never do have anymore children, or at least not any boys. I have boy names picked out for these precious two that are gone.

I do have peace, but I'm still unsettled by this one. I know that God is in control. Do I understand AT ALL why this had to happen now, especially when I was on my medication? Absolutely not. But I know that God had a reason and this will not nor has not shaken my faith. Over the years after our first miscarriage, I've been able to, with God's help, listen to and give comfort and peace to friends who have had miscarriages or lost infants. I'm not thankful I had to go through the loss, but it's helped me through the grieving process too. There's a book that a friend, who had also gone through multiple miscarriages, introduced me to. It's a wonderful book, but it will have you blubbering like a little baby. "Mommy, please don't cry. There are no tears in Heaven" is the name of the book. See... told you it'd make you cry. I've been able to buy this book for several friends and told even more about it. I've lent my book out to friends who have gone through the loss. And I highly recommend it.

Through all the hard times, known or unknown to my readers, God has given me a song through which He speaks to me. And those songs in those times of hardship, come to mind or on the radio or through worship at church, at the exact moment I need it. So I'll end by sharing with you the one He's given me for this time. It's from the song "Holy Spirit" by Kari Jobe. There's nothing worth more that will ever come close No thing can compare, You're our living hope Your presence, Lord I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves Where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone Your presence, Lord Holy Spirit, You are welcome here Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for To be overcome by Your presence, Lord I've tasted and seen, of the sweetest of loves Where my heart becomes free, and my shame is undone By Your presence, Lord Let us become more aware of Your presence Let us experience the glory of Your goodness